Dear Babcia

I wrote this a while back, and thought it deserved to be shared.

Dear babcia,

It's been almost a year. Almost a year of a plethora of feelings, ranging from despair to anger to acceptance to guilt to grief. I guess the experts would say that these are the normal stages of processing something like this. We are all trying to continue our lives here, with you on our minds. Some of us are doing better than others, and I think you prompted some of us to really look at our lives and make some changes, some bigger, some smaller. I have to tell you that I haven't always been as brave as you would have had me be, and I hope I haven't let you down (although I know that at this point you would tell me that you could never be disappointed in me). Sometimes the feelings get too overwhelming and I feel like I'm going to break down. I won't though, because I am as strong as you raised me to be.

I have often thought about all the things I would have told you had I had the time or the opportunity, or most importantly, the courage. We were never really talkative in our family, and the language barrier made it so that we never really discussed deeper, meaningful things. I know that you had thoughts and opinions and stories to tell. We were never the kind of family to share stories of things past. Consumed by our everyday lives, we would recount mundane everyday faits divers to each other at family gatherings. Therefore this is my attempt to break this, and to share with you my thoughts since I believe that you are listening.

I guess the most pressing feeling is that of regret. Regret of not having shared enough with you, and this goes further, the feeling of not enjoying the present, of not seizing the moment when I had the opportunity. I find it difficult not to dwell on the past and not to charge my future with highly unrealistical expectations. I think it is in my dreamer nature to do these things. We race through this life filling tasks and always looking forward to something, as if we don't exist in the present.  This is not necessarily something that is inherently bad, but it is however something I try to be wary of, since nobody knows how much time we are allotted in this life. I have been trying to figure out with an analytical mind what is wrong with me. But I am slowly starting to accept that there might not be anything wrong with me, but it is just taking me a bit longer to find my path. But more on that in another letter.

I feel very nostalgic during this time of year, at the end of autumn. The air is crisp, the leaves are a spectrum of colours of fire and I feel regretful and inspired at the same time. The city is beautiful this time of the year, filled with the melancholy of cold metallic edges of buildings and the warmness of big chunky scarves and steam from take-away coffee cups in the morning. I miss you and I hope you are looking down on us with pride and joy. 

Photos by unsplash

Mid-year review

Time to give myself a mid-year review of the 18 goals I set for myself in the beginning of this year.

1. Stop biting my nails
Eh... I was doing really well on this at some point, especially when I was on holidays (so we can assume that this bad habit is largely due to stress..), but still need to really work on this.

2. Start saving for a house
Haven't started doing this, but it's actively on my mind. Will get to it towards the end of summer I think.

3. Get fit(er) and be happy with my body
Been taking some steps towards this, I ordered a workout plan and a meal plan, been following the meal plan quite well for about 5 weeks now, but I do need to set aside time to go to the gym more often.

4. Get my medical appointments sorted out
I've actually been really good with this! I still have the dentist to sort out, but otherwise I'm done.

5. A wardrobe remake
This is an ongoing process. I have sorted out the clothes I don't use anymore, and plan on going to a flee market to give them new homes towards the end of July. I think I still need to declutter some other clothes as well. 

6. Take at least 5 trips
This one is a big one for this year, and so far I have been to Sweden, USA, Bahamas and Tallinn. Going to France next week, so that would make it 5 trips! Yay!

7. Do a bungee jump 
Nope.

8. Go to a karaoke and sing a song
Nope.

9. Learn a new tumbling skill 
Nope. 

10. Decorate the apartment cozy and nice
Really haven't had the time, energy or money to do this yet. I really want us to move, but for the moment it's not very realistic, so I guess I just have to make due with what we have at the moment..

11. Get a morning routine down
This has proven to be a really hard one.. I have noticed that less than 7,5h of sleep and I'm groggy, but getting enough of sleep with this crazy schedule of mine is really darn hard.

12. Figure out what my next move is career-wise
YES YES YES! I applied and got accepted to a business school, and I'm starting a Bachelor's in International Business in August! So excited for this! I won't be leaving my job so I'll be working and going to school at the same time. Really need to get that morning routine down if I am to succeed in my new schedule..

13. Post at least 1 picture, 1 video and 1 blog post a month
Have not been able to keep up with this. Been too busy. I wish I could do more, I really do enjoy making content, but I also have to be merciful to myself.

14. Read at least 10 books
So far I have read 4, so I'm on the right track! (Compared to 0 last year that's already quite good!)

15. Run some kind of running event
Have not signed up for one and have not started training. Not sure about this one for this year.

16. Go to at least one festival in the summer
Due to lack of funding, it looks like this might not come true this year. Not too bummed about this as none of the festivals in Finland had an artist that I absolutely really wanted to go see.

17. Always talk truthfully
18. Think less about what people think of me
Yes, been really working on these even though it is not hard. Had some clashes with people, but have come up on top of those ones, and am finally in good terms with everyone, no loose threads hanging. Feel quite happy about this.

Well this was a good exercice! I liked looking back at these, some of them have been really prominently on my mind throughout the year (for example the one about traveling), but other ones I have put to the side of my mind and forgot about (for example the two last ones). I think all in all I am doing pretty well, and if I keep going like this, I will most probably have done most of what is on my list before the end of the year. And most probably the ones I don't do this year aren't that important to me anymore.

photos from madgeleine

California, Florida, Bahamas

In the end of April I went for the first time for a bigger "solo" trip. My original plan was to go see the Cheerleading World Championships in Florida, but then searching for the plane tickets I found really cheap tickets to Los Angeles, so I decided to go there first for 3 days, and then for a week in Orlando. My sister who competed at the Cheerleading Worlds asked if I wanted to continue somewhere after Florida, and we ended up going for 5 days in the Bahamas. What a trip!

The purpose of this trip was to really reboot and relax. I did take my camera with me but I didn't end up filming anything. I took photos with my phone and just relaxed in the sun, went for a swim, ate well and really concentrated on myself. And it did me wonders.

I basically wanted to go to Los Angeles for two things: the beach and the vegan food. I wasn't disappointed in either, although it was still kind of cool outside, so I didn't go for a swim in the Pacific. I stayed with a friend of my sister's in Long Beach, which is south of Los Angeles. I rented a car and drove around a lot (and got stuck in LA traffic A LOT). I took a short road trip from Long Beach down the Pacific Coast Highway to Laguna Beach, walked down the long steps to 1000 steps beach, and spent this whole day by myself driving, laying on the beach, listening to podcasts and going thrifting. I loved it! I also took the car to downtown LA and visited the Griffith Observatory, which was my favorite part of LA, together with Venice Beach. I regretted going to the Walk of Fame and Chinese theater, it wasn't that nice and it was full of people, I stayed for a hot minute and fled. As for the vegan food, I certainly wasn't disappointed! My personal favorite was Veggie Grill, the best veggie burger of my life!

Florida was nice, but lacked personality after vibrant California. I basically went just so see my sister compete, and for that I certainly wasn't disappointed! I will always hold a fond memory of seeing her kick ass and become a World Champion. We did have a nice flat in a hotel with some friends, and we enjoyed the pool and some shopping and of course the sun! Florida is okay, but not really my cup of tea afterall. Been there twice now, and if it wasn't for the Cheerleading Worlds, I don't think I would have gone more than once.

Now Bahamas was a big shocker. It was as beautiful as I have seen in photos, but it was also extremely poor and quite dirty. The luxury of the enormous hotels, and the trash in the ocean and the abandoned buildings made for quite the contrast. We went there at the start of the rainy season, so it rained almost every day, but we did have sun as well (and got sunburned, of course..). It was really windy so the ocean had crazy waves, so we stuck to the pool. Even though we were a little disappointed, we still had quality sister time. 

My tips for this kind of trip: 

- don't be afraid to go alone. It was really refreshing, I could decide where I wanted to go and at what time, I could take my time where I wanted to and also I didn't have to wait for anyone. Also, I really had time to think, read books and listen to podcasts. Lovely!

- if you're going to a "luxury" destination, have a little bit more in your travel budget. We would have gotten so much more out of the Bahamas had we had a little bit more money. But when at taxi from our hotel to the center was 30 dollars and groceries more expensive than in Finland, we stuck to free sightseeing and the pool of our Airbnb. 

- if you love thrifting, I would recommend California. Even the grubbiest looking charity shop had so many treasures waiting to be found! I absolutely loved it.

- a great way to save money is to rent an apartment with your friends that has a kitchen, so that you can cook your foods and not go to restaurants for every meal. Especially if you're a vegan in Florida! 

STOCKHOLM for a day

Last weekend we went on a mini break to our neighboring country of Sweden. As I think most of Finns, I have had my fair share of trips to Stockholm, but it was fun showing around someone who had never been there before. We were also blessed with lovely weather on Saturday, which was a nicce change to the snow storm in Finland.

We stayed at this really cool and funky hostel called Generator, that was an old hotel renovated into a hostel. We shared a room and bathroom with 4 other travelers, and despite the occasional snoring, it was a really nice experience. I would definitely recommend, as Stockholm is a bit on the pricier side. We paid 20€ a night per person, which left us a little to splurge on expensive beer that we ordered by accident at a beer bar on Friday night (would not recommend, no beer is worth 13€ a glass..). 

We were quite short on cash this time, so we had to find cheap places to eat. I tested if the McVegan burger tastes the same over there (it does), we had some tacos (mine was vegan with cheese so genuine tasting that I am still not 100% it was plant-based) and we also had lunch on Saturday at an awesome vegetarian place (called Chutney) that was so packed with people that you had to sit down, then hold your breath, tuck in your stomach and move the table to allow the person opposite you to squeeze in!

In terms of sightseeing, we had a long stroll along Drottningsgatan (where the shops are), through Gamla Stan (old town) all the way to Södermalm (the hip and trendy neighborhood that has the coolest hipster barber shops).  I really wanted to hit the photography museum, but that will have to be for next time. We also took advantage of the end of the January sales; we scored a dress shirt and a jumper for 120SEK (so around 12€) for Ulrick and a sweater and a romper for me for 200SEK (20€).

We will definitely be going back in the summer!

18 goals for 2018

Even though it comes every year, there's something really crisp and fresh about a new year. Inspired by Sarah Nourse, here are my 18 goals for 2018.

1. Stop biting my nails
This is an ungoing struggle that has been with me for years. When stress or boredom come out, so come the fingers. Disgusting and unhygienic, I really need to kick this bad habit.

2. Start saving for a house
This is a big one but nonetheless something I want to start doing this year.

3. Get fit(er) and be happy with my body
This has also been an ungoing struggle for most of my adult life, and this also has to do with one of my big resolutions for 2018 of self-love and care.

4. Get my medical appointments sorted out
You know, this is something that's really important but somehow still always ends up forgotten. If I write it on this list there are more chances that I actually book that dentist, gynecologist and vaccination appointment.

5. A wardrobe remake
I have a huge closet filled with clothes that just don't seem like me anymore. I guess I have matured and also my tastes have somewhat levelled, meaning that all those crazy crop-tops and frills mixed with my mostly black-and-white everyday clothing items just don't make sense anymore. That's why this year I really want to minimize my wardrobe, invest in some key pieces that I love and that will last me a long time.

6. Take at least 5 trips
This is tied to one of my big resolutions to travel more, and this is a tangible goal of at least 5 trips this year. I already have 2 lined up, one big one and one weekend get-away. Traveling is one of my passions that's been on the back-burner for the past few years, and this year I am consciously making an effort to change that.

7. Do a bungee jump
8. Go to a karaoke and sing a song
9. Learn a new tumbling skill
These all have to do with me wanting to push myself out of my comfort zone and really do something that makes me nervous and prove to myself that I can do it. I'm quite terrified of heights so a bungee jump makes me equal measures excited and nervous. The idea of going to a karaoke and singing a song (alone!) also makes my heart race but would do wonders for my self-esteem. The last one has to do with cheerleading, where tumbling has been my downfall since forever. I really want to work hard and learn a new trick or two before retiring from cheer.

10. Decorate the apartment cozy and nice
We moved into our apartment end of August, and it's only now beginning to really feel like home. I am not a massive fan of our apartment layout or materials to begin with, and renting means we can't change those, but I believe that with a good eye and the right choices we can make it feel homey and like us.

11. Get a morning routine down
I feel like my sleeping schedule has been way off in the last two years or even more, feeling really tired during the week and sleeping up to 14 hours per night on the weekends in an effort to compensate for the lack of sleep on weeknights. I am confident that getting a morning (and night) routine down and having a fixed sleeping schedule will help me cope with my busy life and also give me some more me time.

12. Figure out what my next move is career-wise
I feel like I have been in this weird work-limbo since I left university 4 years ago. Throughout my studies I drifted from one major to the other, from one university to the next, but it all seemed to have meaning as I was working towards something (graduating with a Master's, which I never ended up doing). Now that I have been working full time for almost 4 years, I would really like to find something that would not only pay the bills but also gratify me and keep me motivated. I have a few ideas (actually quite a lot of ideas) about what I would like to do next, I just need to fine tune and choose the best option.

13. Post at least 1 picture, 1 video and 1 blog post a month
Making videos, taking pictures and writing a blog. Those are my favorite creative outlets and I haven't been able to invest as much of my time into them as I would have liked. This has to change, since it genuinely makes me happy to create content.

14. Read at least 10 books
I used to read a lot more, for school or for leisure. I have been going at a steady rate of about 2-3 books a year since I left uni, and I want to change this. I think 10 books a year is an attainable goal. I also have dusted off my library card, as one does not need to go broke to be able to read!

15. Run some kind of running event
I have had this on my mind for a long time now, but never had the courage to actually go for it. But after having gone to see a few running events I understood that you don't have to go for the win or be the best runner or in the best shape to participate in one of these. Also, there are a lot of different ones with different distances. But a 10k would be really cool to finish. This would be quite a huge deal for me, because even though I do like sports and have always been quite athletic, running has never been my thing and I have never been good at it. But once again I feel like pushing myself and trying something new this year.

16. Go to at least one festival in the summer
Summer, music, friends, the outdoors, good vibes, what else could you ask for really? I didn't get to go to one last summer, so this is definitely on my to-do's for 2018.

17. Always talk truthfully
18. Think less about what people think of me
The last two goals for this year have to do with my chronic impulse to always please everyone. I have come to understand that if I always try to make everyone like me, I will most likely remain mediocre and forgettable, and unhappy with myself. I don't mean by this to start being awful to people and not caring about other people's feelings, but more that I will strive to always tell the truth, even if it's hard to say or to hear, since I feel like that's the genuine way of living life, and I will do more of what makes me happy and I will put myself out there, despite the risk of someone making fun of me or not liking what I do. If I manage to get better in these two aspects throughout this year, I am quite sure I will have grown as a person.

That's it for my 18 goals for 2018! What are some of your goals? Did you also make 18 of them? Please do share at least some of them, I love to read blog posts or watch videos of New Year's goals and resolutions, I find it so inspiring! Take care everyone and until next time ♡

All photos Unsplash

End of the year snapchats

        

 Here are some snapchats from the end of the year 2016, including cats, christmas, a new toy for me for the new year (iMac), wedding and Strasbourg in October, some wine and sneak peeks of my new apartment (well, not really so new, I moved here in the end of August). The year 2016 had its good moments and good people, but it definitely left a sour taste in my mouth. I am so glad that the new year is finally here. Let's make it a good one!

Recent snapchats 1

  

1) This was from Sunday's brunch with my family, celebrating Mother's Day! It was really yummy Northern African food. 2) Flowers for my grandma :) 3) These were some delish sushi that my awesome little sister made me (she works in a sushi shop that is not too far from one of my work places, so I occasionally go for some great vegan sushi)

  

4) Been working a lot lately.. 5) Well, the truth be told, I have been working hard ever since I got back to Finland, doing 50-60 hour weeks. 6) Enjoying the sunshine and nice weather we have had lately.

  

6) A random snapshot of sunny Helsinki. This one is from Kallio, a neighborhood near downtown Helsinki. 7) Here's my typical view when I try to get work done at home, she's one of the 4 cats we have in our shared apartment with my sister. She thought that she would fit in that box, but she didn't so she just decided to fall asleep on top of it. 8) And here's another office kitty (2/4 cats) lounging on the sofa.